You’re gonna have all of me

To say we’re “in a weird place” right now is an understatement. We find ourselves living almost parallel lives. We have to go about our normal day-to-day routines; working, taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning house, running 5k’s, ect..


ok, so the 5ks aren't so "day-to-day" ;)

ok, so the “running 5k’s” aren’t so “day-to-day” ;)

And we have to do all this as if we aren’t in the middle of the biggest, most faith-stretching thing we have ever done in our whole lives. All the while, having to do a hundred million things pertaining to the adoption process,

waiting to get required  bloodwork

waiting to get required blood work 

finger prints and background checks

finger prints and background checks

passport photos for all (not sharing mine)

passport photos for all (or in Rowan’s case, “mug shot” LOL

AND putting our whole hearts into it, as it requires nothing less.

Since “officially” starting the process I’ve lived out two opposite extremes: The first was unhealthily letting the adoption consume my thoughts at every single moment to the point where I was completely overwhelmed and on the brink of tears at all times. Then I pulled back so far that I didn’t even allow myself to even think about the adoption for about two weeks. I am now somewhere in the middle, and it’s still tough to find the right balance. Honestly, ignoring the adoption was easier. I think apart of me is scared to put my whole heart into it, because of all the “WHAT IF”s… and I know this is just an excuse, a way to try to feel a little more comfortable and “in control” of a totally out of my control situation. God is in control… and he’s not asking me to do this for my comfort.

I heard a pastor once say that partial obedience to God is still disobedience. “Ok God, I’ll do pretty much what you ask…….” If we aren’t willing to give full submission to His will, we are ultimately saying we don’t fully trust Him. OUCH……

I heard a song in the car last year and God spoke to me through it. (NO, not “Jesus take the wheel” 😉 I don’t know what the writer of the song meant for it to be about, but for me, it is about our adoption journey. A letter and pledge to our daughter to pursue her and love her whole heartedly in the journey to bring her home.

You’re gonna have all of me: by Matt Hermit

Afraid to love, something that could break. Could I move on if you were torn away? I’m so close to what I can’t control, I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

You’re gonna have all of me, you’re gonna have all of me. You’re worth every fallen tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough. Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me, is where I’ll start.

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms. I won’t let pain keep you from my heart. I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment that I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me, you’re gonna have all of me. You’re worth every fallen tear, you’re worth facing any fear. You’re gonna know all my love, even if it’s not enough. Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me, is where ill start.

Heaven brought you to this moment, its too wonderful to speak. You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me. So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me. you all of me, is where I’ll start.





2 thoughts on “You’re gonna have all of me

  1. Sarah Szarmack

    Great post! I know exactly how you’re feeling. I know how it’s all you want to talk about but you don’t want to be obnoxious, I know how you feel distracted all day because there is something so big on your mind, I know how it feels to walk this incredible faith walk…..It’s like nothing else. All I can say to encourage you is after having Kennedy home for a year is IT”S TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! And youre gonna make it. God is making a way ahead of you. Love you guys!!!

  2. Lori McCary

    LOVING your blog! What a joy it will be to follow your journey and celebrate all God is doing in and through you!!! I love that song too… Here’s the story behind the song~ Matt and his wife discovered while she was pregnant, that their son suffered from a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (or a single functioning ventrical). This happens to be the same diagnosis as our adopted daughter Rachel! Their son would only survive through several very complicated open heart surgeries and eventually a heart transplant. He struggled to give his heart completely to a child he feared they could lose. Finally God spoke into his own heart and he wrote this song, based upon his promise to give himself fully to his son, regardless of the pain and possibility of loss…. Simply beautiful and quite applicable to your adoption too! I echo his sentiment…. Give ALL of yourself! The rewards are immeasurable!!!

    Hugs, Lori McCary


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